| Live, Love, and Laugh |
Live, Love and Laugh, is a collection of some of the e-mails jokes and cool stuffs I have been receiving from friends and families through the years. I hope you will enjoy reading them as much as I did. So, keep those emails coming!
The Story Behind the Story -- of Forwarding Jokes
Sometimes, you wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes
to you without writing a word, maybe this could explain:
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch,
guess what you do--you forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep
in contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what,
and don't know how, You forward jokes.
To let you know that: you are still remembered, you are
still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for,
you are still wanted, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke from me.
So my friend, next time if you get a joke,
don't think that I have sent you just a joke, but that
I have thought of you today.
Blessing In Disguise
The man whispered "God, speak to me.” And a meadowlark sang,
but the man did not hear.
So the man yelled "God speak to me!" And the thunder rolled across the sky,
but the man did not listen.
The man looked around and said "God let me see you" And a star shone brightly,
but the man did not notice.
And the man shouted "God show me a miracle." And a life was born,
but the man did not know.
So, the man cried out in despair "Touch me God and let me know that you are here!"
Where upon God reached down and touched the man, but the man brushed the
butterfly away and walked on.
Don't miss out on a blessing because it isn't packaged the way you expect.
Seize The Moment
I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: Seize the moment.
Just possibly, she may be the wisest woman on this planet.
Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they
haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming,
are too tired to think about it or are too rigid to depart from their routine.
I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed
up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back.
From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.
How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't
suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed?
Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?
How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence
while you watched Jeopardy on television?
And I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going
to lunch in a half hour?" She would gasp and stammer, "I can't." Check one:
"I have clothes on the line."
"My hair is dirty." or "I look like a mess."
"I wish I had known yesterday."
"I had a late breakfast".
"It looks like rain".
And my personal favorite: "It's Monday".
She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.
Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our
headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when
all the conditions are perfect.
We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet-trained.
We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a
second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.
BUT HERE'S THE PUNCH LINE PEOPLE: Life has a way of accelerating, as
we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets
longer.
One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany
of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down
a bit."
When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure,
and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her
enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and
you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Roller blades and skip an
elevator for a bungee cord.
My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream.
It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my hips with a spatula and
eliminate the digestive process.
The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple decker. If my car had hit
an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.
Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to...NOT something
on your SHOULD DO list.
The Things We Do for Love
A couple drove several miles down a country road,
not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither
wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband
sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."
A Little Perspective
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's Prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg Address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.
The 6 Year Old Perspective
The mind of a six year old is wonderful. True story.
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the three Little
Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig
was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...and so the pig went up the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said
"Holy Shit! A talking pig!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Line Of Duty
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new
recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost
a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and
listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then
said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the
government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.
If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the
government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to
send into battle first?"
The Seventeenth Chapter of Mark
A minister would up the services one morning by saying,
"next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars.
And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse,
I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark."
On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin, and said,
"Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read
the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."
Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.
Then said the preacher, "You are the people I want to talk to.
There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark."
The Truck Driver
A cheerful truck driver pulled up at a roadside cafe in the middle of the
night for a dinner stop. Halfway through his meal, three wild-looking
motorcyclists roared up--bearded, leather-jacketed, and filthy.
For no reason at all, the selected the truck driver as a target.
One poured pepper over his head, another stole his apple pie,
the third deliberately tipped his coffee over. The truck driver
never said one word, just stood up, paid his check, and left.
"That truck driver sure ain't much of a fighter," sneered one
of the bikers.
The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added,
"He doesn't seem to be much of a truck driver, either.
He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles."
Fire Truck
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station
when he notices the little boy next door in a little red wagon
with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly
coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet
and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.
The fire fighter says, "Hey little partner, what are you doing?"
The little boy says, "I'm a fireman and this is my fire truck."
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That's sure is
a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks mister," the boy says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the
wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to
run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't
have a siren."
Sip the Vodka
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of
vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy,
junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say
he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: eat my donkey
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.
Heaven Knows
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying
the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He
remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years.
He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they
came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked
like fine marble.
At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in
the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent
gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that
led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward
the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought
right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler
asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and
continued the way he had been going. After another long walk, and at
the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road, which led through a
farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree
and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there" The man pointed to a place
that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned
hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a
long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he
and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree
waiting for them.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is heaven,"
was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said
that was heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.
That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they
screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."
Dear Grandson
I have become a little older since I saw you last,
And a few changes have come into my life since then.
Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal.
I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I
wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.
Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along,
and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and
attention.
When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the
rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very
long, so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed
with Ben Gay. What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with
Al Zymer.
Love,
Grandma
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said
at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told
him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in
the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the
basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"
Remember When...
1. Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
2. Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
3. "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
4. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in
"Monopoly."
5. Catching fireflies happily occupied an entire evening.
6. It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
7. Being old, referred to anyone over 20.
8. The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play
volleyball & rules didn't matter.
9. The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was
cooties.
10. It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
11. It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn't an Olympic event.
12. Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
13. Nobody was prettier than Mom.
14. Dad was the strongest man alive.
15. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
16. It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big
people" rides at the amusement park.
17. Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
18. Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
19. Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action
figures.
20. No shopping trip was complete, unless a new toy was brought home.
21. "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
22. Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for
giggles.
23. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
24. War was a card game.
25. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
26. Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a
motorcycle.
27. Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable Flinstone vitamins.
28. Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
29. Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest
protectors.
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up"
life!!!!!
Let It Rain
It was one of the hottest days of the dry season.
We had not seen rain in almost a month. The
crops were dying. Cows had stopped giving milk. The creeks
and streams were long gone back into the earth. It was
a dry season that would bankrupt seven farmers before
it was through.
Every day, my husband and his brothers would go about the
arduous process of trying to get water to the fields. Lately this
process had involved taking a truck to the local water rendering
plant and filling it up with water.
But severe rationing had cut everyone off. If we didn't see
some rain soon...we would lose everything. It was on this
day that I learned the true lesson of sharing and witnessed
the only miracle I have seen with my own eyes.
I was in the kitchen making lunch for my husband and his
brothers when I saw my six-year old son, Billy, walking
toward the woods.
He wasn't walking with the usual carefree abandon of a youth
but with a serious purpose. I could only see his back. He was
obviously walking with great effort...trying to be as still
as possible.
Minutes after he disappeared into the woods, he came
running out again, toward the house. I went back to making
sandwiches; thinking that whatever task he had been doing
was completed.
Moments later, however, he was once again walking in that
slow purposeful stride toward the woods.
This activity went on for an hour: Walk carefully to the woods, run
back to the house. Finally I couldn't take it any longer and I crept
out of the house and followed him on his journey (being very
careful not to be seen...as he was obviously doing important work
and didn't need his Mommy checking up on him.
He was cupping both hands in front of him as he walked; being very
careful not to spill the water he held in them...maybe two or three tablespoons
were held in his tiny hands. I sneaked close as he went into the woods.
Branches and thorns slapped his little face but he did not try to avoid
them. He had a much higher purpose. As I leaned in to spy on him,
I saw the most amazing site.
Several large deer loomed in front of him. Billy walked right up to them.
I almost screamed for him to get away. A huge buck with elaborate
antlers was dangerously close. But the buck did not threaten him...he didn't
even move as Billy knelt down.
And I saw a tiny fawn laying on the ground, obviously suffering from
dehydration and heat exhaustion, lift its head with great effort to lap up
the water cupped in my beautiful boy's hand.
When the water was gone, Billy jumped up to run back to the house and
I hid behind a tree. I followed him back to the house; to a spigot that we
had shut off the water to. Billy opened it all the way up and a small
trickle began to creep out.
He knelt there, letting the drip drip slowly fill up his makeshift "cup"
as the sun beat down on his little back. And it came clear to me.
The trouble he had gotten into for playing with the hose the week before.
The lecture he had received about the importance of not wasting water is
the reason he didn't ask me to help him.
It took almost twenty minutesfor the drops to fill his hands. When he
stood up and began the trek back, I was there in front of him. His little
eyes just filled with tears. "I'm not wasting," was all he said.
As he began his walk, I joined him...with a small pot of water from the kitchen.
I let him tend to the fawn. I stood at the edge of the woods watching the most
beautiful heart I have ever known working so hard to save another life.
As the tears that rolled down my face began to hit the ground, they were
suddenly joined by other drops...and more drops...and more. I looked
up at the sky. It was as if God, himself, was weeping with pride.
Some will probably say that this was all just a huge coincidence. That
miracles don't really exist. That it was bound to rain sometime. And I
can't argue with that...I'm not going to try. All I can say is that the rain
that came that day saved our farm...just like that actions of one little
boy saved another.
Little Johnny Strikes Again !
The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in
a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we
saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word
"fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the
Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but again, I wanted the word
"fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because
Johnny is noted for his bad language.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
"fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her
tits are so big she can only "fasten 8."
Brotherly Love
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at Stanford Hospital,
I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and
serious disease.
Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her
5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and
had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness.
The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the boy
if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.
I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying,
"Yes, I'll do it if it will save Liz."
As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled,
as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale
and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling
voice, "Will I start to die right away?"
Being young, the boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going
to have to give his sister all of his blood.
Little Comfort
A new teacher started her class by saying, "everyone who thinks they're
stupid can stand up." After a few seconds, little Johnny stood. "Do you think
you"re stupid, little Johnny?" she asked. "No ma'am," he replied," but I hate
to see you standing there all by yourself."
You Think You Are Having a Bad Day?.......Check this out.
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the
kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally
slipped into gear. The man, still holding on to the handle bars, was dragged
through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor
inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found
her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him
and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs
to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and
transported the man to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it
outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up
the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated and released to
come home. Upon arriving at home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage
done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the
toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs
into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud
explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband
lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on
the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone to call the
ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the
street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to
the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife,
one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told
them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the
stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm.
(Taken from a Florida Newspaper)
Now that is a bad day. Don't you complain about yours.......
